My Faking News

Mango peoples’ fixation to fixing: Divine intervention fixes the malady

Mishtik Journo — Thu, 23 May 2013 07:44:28 +0000

“Spot fixing has made the public at large fixated at fixing”, Pagal Patrkar told this correspondent. “Variety of callers have talked to Faking News about it during last week”

“Last night when I saw Natasha getting married to Ishant in ‘Kaisa Hai Ye Swayamvar’, I knew my intuition was right, there is betting taking place on TV serials. Everyone expected Natasha to marry Shivam with whom she was going rock steady but she picked the lesser odd”, a common housewife living next door told Pagal Patrakar after the arrest of Vindoo, “I have seen, Kavita is always on her mobile phone analysing TV serials. Must be placing her ill gotten black money as bets with a bookie.”

Housewives speculating on TV serial’s outcome

“TV serials like Cricket matches are definitely fixed”, called in Bhole – a failed actor from Mumbai, ”Amar’s death in ‘Kab Hoga Punarjanam‘ was a foregone conclusion as soon as he got a role in a film, but instead of dying in the 92nd episode when large stakes were placed on his death, he was made to die in the 99th.”

“It always happens like that, when you expect a bull run in the market, the Sensex collapses and when you play for mandi, there is a rally. Actually it is all fixed, handiwork of the operators”, Guptaji, who is always on the losing side of a trade complained to this correspondent in the park today morning.

“Job postings are all fixed. Genuine candidates like me are always posted to remote areas and get delayed promotions”, phoned in Ram Khilawan Yadav from Andman where he was placed by Railways as an Officer on Special Duty (OSD)

“Yesterday I was challaned by police for jumping the red light at a crossing”, another commoner told FN, “the light was yellow when I crossed but the police have to collect their quota of penalties by the day-end everyday. It is all fixed”

Just as your’s truly was concluding that everything is fixed by ~~corrupt~~ mortal beings, Swami Sad-vicharananda – a spiritual guru, in a divine intervention over a phone-line from Kochi proclaimed that everything in life is fixed by God and He fixes without any material considerations. Therefore, to level fixing charges against any individual is an attack on God’s will, insult to events as predestined by Him and Him alone.

Swami ji then demanded an immediate release of all those arrested on charges of “fixing anything” without any delay.

ISRO to launch Rover to probe water in Mars; Rover to be tested in Kaveri riverbed

manithan — Thu, 23 May 2013 07:42:18 +0000

Mars Rover being tested in Kaveri riverbed. Scientists are amazed that there are no traces of water here. They commented that their next mission would be to send probe from Mars to verify the presence of water in this river.

In a press meet organised by the UPA for showcasing its achievements in the space frontier, it was announced that ISRO will send a rover to Mars similar to the Opportunity rover of NASA. As soon as Mangalyaanto Mars is launched in October 2013, this new rover will be prepared in a short time so that it is launched at the time of 2014 elections.

Minister of Space Affairs commented that, “We have even named the Indian mission to Mars. If you could see at the NASA missions, they had named it as Phoenix, Opportunity and Curiosity. We were thinking of a word that would combine all these three terms and we arrived at the name of the mission – Corruption. Let me explain how – Corruption is like a Phoenix as it takes rebirth every time we try to burn it; Corruption is always an Opportunity used perfectly and it always accompanies with different ratios of Spirit in bottles. So we have named this mission as Corruption. So, when people go for vote in the 2014 elections, they are assured that we have sent Corruption to Mars and so it will be a sweeping victory for us.”

During the question hour, one of the reporter had put forth a question, “NASA tests its rovers in the Arizona desert. Where are you planning to conduct such tests?”

Answering the question, the chairman of Space Research said, “Contrary to what our minister said, this Mars rover is just for searching the traces of water in Mars. We were looking for such a location within India where there is not even a single droplet of water. We confirmed that Kaveri river is totally dried up now in Tamilnadu and we are already testing the water-probing capability of our rover there. It is a tired day for that guy as he was not even able to find a single water droplet in the course of the river Kaveri. And we are happy that with this amount of drill, Corruption rover can easily find water in Mars as it is available even more there than in that river.”

This mission to Mars and its name created frenzy in all the news channels and occupied all the newspaper headlines. Political experts cite this as a deathblow to the people groups that fight against Corruption. Their organization “India Against Corruption” would now be termed as a blocker of Indian Space programs and would not be supported by citizens and its own members alike. “Now no one would say Corruption is bad or is a crime. Everyone will pray that Corruption works fine and is launched properly,” smiled Babu Lal, a RTO officer.

In an another event surrounding this news, women’s rights organization have launched a protest outside the Space Ministry office. Shalini, who was leading the protest said in an angry tone, “They say that Men came from Mars and we Women came from Venus. But India has sent both of its space missions to Mars. Again and Again, a woman’s birthplace is ignored by the chauvinistic, misogynistic Indian patriarchal society. We don’t have reservation even in space program. I am asking why can’t they send a mission to Venus, which is supposed to be our birthplace?”

Our reporter felt bad that while everyone is eager to find fault on the mission, no one seemed to be giving any importance to the fact that the once mighty river Kaveri has now completely dried up. He felt that this drying up of rivers is because of the failure to implement the integration of rivers across India. The river linking project was abandoned due to financial constraints. So, after much of ~~butt~~ head-scratching, he has come up with an idea which is of zero cost and can be easily implemented(see below picture).

New Xbox pre-order launched at Palika Bazaar

thepelicanclub — Thu, 23 May 2013 07:38:21 +0000

In a record Time to Market feat, that will put Amul Butter ad makers to shame, one of the ever enterprising Palika Bazaar traders has launched Xbox-One pre-booking on the same day as the next-gen console was officially revealed by Microsoft.

Babloo Ji Agarwal, proprietor of Palika Aam-admi Games And Lottery (PAGAL) stunned all major retailers around the world (including Microsoft) to be the first one off the blocks on the pre-orders.

A strong believer in the practice of pre-launching (with previous experience as real estate developer), Babloo Ji did not wait for pesky details like official release dates or price point before starting to take the booking for the ~~glorified TV Tuner~~ eagerly awaited console.

“This is pre-launch offer with 10% discount. Prices will go up as soon as Microsoft announces the official price. Diwali delivery guaranteed,” quipped Babloo Ji and added “Free Gold Coin with first 100 bookings” for good measure.

Babloo Ji is also promising Aam Aadmi versions of the games at (literal) bargain basement prices.

“Aam Aadmi game versions is what brings Aam Game aficionado (students and professionals alike) to Palika Bazaar since beginning of time. This time too we are confident about our supply chain partners in China and South East Asia region,” stated Babloo Ji.

Faking News was able to get a glimpse of some behind the scenes rigor that went in the pre-launch announcement. Babloo Ji had more than 3 banners prepared corresponding to most popular rumored names- Durango, Xbox 720 and Xbox Infinity. Babaloo Ji has also booked a week long ~~massage replete pleasure trip~~ supplier relations trip to Thailand in order ensure release date availability to the esteemed Palika Aam-admi Games and Lottery customers.

Disclosure: No attempt was made to contact Microsoft or Babloo Ji to confirm or deny this story.

Mumbai Police arrest Vidoo Dara Singh but find it tough to interrogate him

Anil Sharma — Thu, 23 May 2013 07:29:54 +0000

Mumbai: The match fixing racket is getting bigger and bigger as police find out Bollywood connections in it as well as Underworld. Arrest of actor Vindoo Dara Singh, the son of late Dara Singh has opened up a few new chapters for the police.

Somehow Vindoo made it to the news again when got arrested by the Mumbai Police today afternoon, the last time he did it was when he played that awesome kid’s role in the super-hit movie Taare Zameen Par.

According to the reliable sources Mumbai crime branch has strong evidence linking Vindoo to a bookie named Ramesh Vyas.

“Yes, we have enough phone recordings to prove him guilty, though, just like Chandila he also had to return the money to the bookie as he too failed to send the predetermined signal which was; don’t show your teeth,” an officer from the Mumbai Police told Faking News.

“He also did some drama when we went there to arrest him, he gave us his phone and told us to call the ward-councilors of ward no: 33 & 34,” the officer added.

Vindoo Dara Singh was last seen in a reality show titled Bigg Boss where he won the show as well.

“Looking at his career, being locked up in a house for a long time is the only thing he is good at. So, it’s surely going to be a little tough for us to break him down,” the officer further stated.

The Mumbai police officer also mentioned that the biggest problem in interrogating with him is that he never stops laughing.

“He bought toothpaste worth of Rs. 2 lac using the money he had made by playing a role in this whole scenario of match fixing. He also gifted his girlfriend a helmet to avoid any atrocious accidents,” Mumbai Police claimed.

“We have information that the bookies offered him free lifetime dental care which Vidoo couldn’t refuse,” the policeman clarified.

Report Card of UPA-II

suchakpatel — Wed, 22 May 2013 09:51:44 +0000

Following the UPA-II Report Card after four years in ~~scam~~ school:

Maths: A+

Excellent performance as the magic number 0 (zero) was rediscovered by Kapil Sibal. Aryabhtta might have discovered it originally, but he only discovered it, while Sibal applied it in real life.

Languages : A+

Another excellent performance, especially due to brilliant performance by two pupils : Punjabi boy Ashwini Kumar, who corrected spellings and grammatical mistakes in CBI report (unfortunately, this Faking News 2.0 report has not been checked by him) and Mallu boy Shashi Tharoor, whose English skills are appreciated by everyone on Twitter.

Science : B-

Average performance. Only one student could do well : OBC boy Sam Pitroda. Grades could have been worse if Pitroda had not orgtanized Google Hangouts, because the other scientific discovery – Aakash Tablet – couldn’t get decent grades.

Social Studies : F

Failed. In fact, there were negative marks in social study due to handling of protests over Delhi gangrape, Corruption, etc.

General comments by teachers:

Rahul’s presence in the ~~parliament~~ class was very pleasurable. Taare Zameen Par level.

Need to raise standards. Salman (Khurshid) and Pawan (Bansal) were happy with very low marks in ~~scam~~ exam.

Need more attendance in class. Many students prefer to spend time in playground at 10 Janpath.

Boy named Digvijay Singh keeps shouting in the class.

Boys named Deora, Tiwari, Scindia are still happy in nursery. Tell them to aim higher.

Naughty boys Kalamadi, Raja and a girl Kanimozi have been left alone. Please take care of them.

Special skill-development vacation camps needed for:

- Writing of ~~resignation~~ letters
- Playing ~~CBI-CBI~~ Hide-&-Seek
- Nephew management

Overall percentage : 42.0 %

Rank : 123

Parents’ signature : ________________________ (in Italian)

Forced by blogging contest, techie loses job

Akhil Kalsh — Wed, 22 May 2013 07:28:26 +0000

New Delhi: In a shocking development, a seasoned Senior Software Engineer was handed the termination letter this afternoon, after his boss caught him blogging during office hours for the third time. Akhil Kalsh was immediately relieved of his duties after his manager reported the matter to higher authorities.

Is this what I pay your for????

When contacted, his colleagues commented on the condition of anonymity “Akhil was always a really creepy guy, never talked to anyone and just kept to himself. From the last few days he barely got off his desk and kept scribbling furiously on his notepad and on the computer. We thought he was going for some exam or something, but then the boss caught him a few times writing articles for some dumb contest. Stupid two timing jerk.”

Akhil, an SQL DBA with around 3 years of industry experience, was devastated by the events. “I never thought it would come to this, God knows why I got into this bloody contest in the first place. I couldn’t concentrate at office, was always looking for the next article or some new idea. Even when my manager warned me twice, I couldn’t stop myself from writing one more paragraph, you know, just a few more words, get the load off my head. Now I’ve got the whole day at my disposal.”

Meanwhile other bloggers from all over the world have come to his support. Vaisakh, a fellow blogger from India released this statement on his blog: “The dude is practically blind from Keratoconus, he wears painful contact lenses just to barely see what’s going on. Still he is working in a full-time job AND trying to write some articles, give him some break will you?”

His fellow blogger Ayush Chauhan was distraught and heart-broken: “We were just getting started, we were gonna go on our own domain and then start making thousands of dollars online, just like the spam comments said. Now it’s all down the drain. That poor bastard is unemployed. I guess he feels like a real writer now.” he said, taking a long drag on his bong.

Inside sources tell us that Akhil’s long time girl friend immediately broke the relationship after the news spread. When contacted she said: “I can’t live my life with Mr. Wannabe Shakespeare who dorks around on his laptop all day. I need a real man with a real job.”

When asked about his future prospects, Akhil replied: “No other company would take me, what do I do now? I am not a professional writer, or I wouldn’t be blogging for free, would I? Should I continue with the contest? I think I have some ideas for articles now, like ‘How to get fired from a job’ or ’3 times is the charm’ or something. I.. I gotta write that down.” and he ran away looking for a piece of paper.

How “Telephone Exchange” between Sreesanth and Bhajji exposed spot-fixing

Shaitaan Khopdi ™ — Tue, 21 May 2013 17:10:03 +0000

Mumbai: “Ek Dusre Ko Samajhne Ke Liye ‘Telephone Exchange’, what an Idea Sirjee”. The slogan seems simple and harmless but according to sources, telephone exchange between Bhajji and Sreesanth lead to recent spot-fixing expose.

An idea can change the course of an IPL match

It all started last month when Sreesanth started ranting on Twitter about the 2008 slapgate. That’s when IPL commissioner Rajiv Shukla decided that it was time to end the bitterness between Bhajji and Sreesanth. He took inspiration from the Idea Cellular Ad in which a kid exchanges mobile phones of mom and dad.

“When you experience the hardship of other people’s life, it helps you realize the difficulty they face in their lives. So I decided to change their mobile phones when Mumbai plays Jaipur on 15^th,” explained poker-faced Rajiv Shukla.

Activities observed on Bhajji’s phone:

Continuous Calls from Bhajji’s GF asking free IPL passes for her 15 cousins and 30 uncle-aunts including the flight tickets and stay in MI team hotel.
Bhajji’s mom called to remind him to check his mails and have a look at the girl’s photo which his ‘Kanedda’ (Canada) wale Taya ji had selected for him.
Akash Ambani’s message on whatsApp ‘This time I will give you the bear hug’.
Call from angered MI fan who somehow got Bhajji’s number, abusing him for his wayward bowling. For a moment it appeared as if it was Rohit Sharma on other end. (Sreesanth had I-know-how-it-feels-bro smile on his face after the call ended)

At this point it looked as if Sreesanth realized how tough life Bhajji is having.

Activities observed on Sreesanth’s phone:

Yuvraj Singh’s whatsApp message ‘How are you Appam-Ch**iya’. Bhajji smiled but didn’t reply.
Facebook notification – ‘Preity Zinta has ignored your friend request….again’.
Call from angered RR fan who somehow got Sreesanth’s number, abusing him for his wayward bowling. For a moment it appeared as if it was Shane Watson on other end (Bhajji had I-know-how-it-feels-bro smile on his face after the call ended).

At this point it looked as if Bhajji realized how tough life Sreesanth is having.

It was going according to the plan until at 3 o’clock in the night a bookie SMS’ed ‘Towel me bahar jaoge to halla mach jayega’. It was probably a code word used by the bookies asking Sree to use towel as indicator.

Unaware of all this Bhajji couldn’t understand what it meant. Bhajji immediately called Mumbai Police and told that somebody is trying to sexually harass him by sending lewd messages. The cop on duty Chulbul Pandey who was watching the highlights of previous day’s IPL game on Tata Sky HD; paused the game and started investigation immediately.

One thing lead to another and slowly whole spot fixing scandal broke.

Within hours bookies were taken into custody. While on the way to court a bookie asked Chulbul Pandey ‘What kind of Police officer works so late in night?’ ‘A hard working officer’ replied Chulbul Pandey.

BCCI to hold BPL – Bookies Premier League

Mishtik Journo — Tue, 21 May 2013 17:09:45 +0000

New Delhi: ‘Bookies Controlling Cricket in India’ (BCCI*), a new body founded by the ‘S’ company (much bigger than the more illustrious ‘D’ company), has guaranteed a minimum of Rs.3000 Crores per year to the Indian Government if it is allowed to hold BPL (Bookies Premier League) every year during October – November in India.

New revenue model

“Franchisees owning a team shall be free to spot-fix its players who will earn their remuneration solely through this means. Betting shall account for lion’s share of revenues to a franchisee outshining those from advertising,” a spokesperson of the ‘S’ company outlined main features to Faking News over a long distance call.

My fix versus yours - thrill a ball ensured

BPL: Win win situation for all

With open betting, rampant spot-fixing and transparent flow of information online through the web and on TV screens, every over in a match will be thrilling.

A young twenty-twenty ~~betting~~ cricket enthusiast illustrated, “Franchisee of the ‘Jackpot Bonanza’ team may fix that 13 or more runs will be given in the 12^th over while the rival ‘Hurricane Windfalls’ team may chose that 2 wickets will be lost in the same over. It will then be a ‘true match’ of wits between the batter and the baller.”

Spot-a-wager time out

For viewers to make smart betting choices there shall be a mandatory 60 second ‘spot-a-wager time out’ between all the overs. Those not pondering about what to bet on can enjoy the Cheerleaders’ dance during this period.

Emotional cry from wealthy bookies

Regional betting ~~kingpins~~ tycoons, who are known to be having 10 digits wealth, are trying to outsmart and outbid each other to become franchisees, “We also deserve a place of pride in the society and not live under the threat of being arrested,” said an aspiring franchisee on an emotional note.

‘C’ company plans inorganic growth

Meanwhile, spokesperson of the rival ‘C’ company disclosed to Faking News in Mumbai, “Our model is similar to that of ‘S’ company’s but we shall grow inorganically by getting organizing rights to IPL 7 from the original BCCI and pay them royalty on a revenue sharing basis.”

The league will have smooth sailing as the government is known to accept any scheme that has a BPL tag; further, the revenues for the government will help reduce its Current Account Deficit.

* Nothing to do with Board of Control for Cricket in India. Any resemblance in acronym is purely co-incidental.

RCB owner Vijay Mallya shows sympathy to Sreesanth, offers him job

Anil Sharma — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:41:13 +0000

Bangalore: In a quite surprising event today, the owner of the IPL team Royal Challenger Bangalore, Mr. Vijay Mallya, has offered a job to Shanthakumaran Sreesanth. The UB group Chairman officially announced it in a press conference held in Bangalore today afternoon.

Sreesanth, the 30-year-old cricketer, is in deep trouble due to the match fixing conspiracy in the ongoing IPL. He is more likely to get a lifetime ban from cricket if proven guilty, which he is according to Delhi Police sources.

“I am offering him a job of a cheerleader for my IPL team RCB. Its well-known that Sreesanth is a great dancer, we have all seen his dancing more than his bowling. The thing is that team RCB is running out of cheerleaders due to Chris Gayle’s batting and a bit of delay in their salary. Look, it’s just season 6 and they are demanding their dues from the season 2 which is completely fallacious,” said the industrialist, Mr. Mallya.

Though the Indian conglomerate did agree on Sreesanth being involved in match fixing.

“Yes, Sreesanth bowling a 14-runs-over was always a doubtful thing, as normally he gives away more than 20 in his one over,” the 57-year-old business tycoon stated.

“But I don’t think that it was that wrong, Sreesanth has been getting hammered by the Batsmen since quite a long time now. How long do we expect him to do it for free?” he went on to add.

He told the reporters that the team management is agreed on the decision and RCB is all set to hire Sreesanth as soon as he comes out of the jail.

“Well yeah, definitely, he can be very useful for the team’s good. He is a good dancer so surely he’ll make a great cheerleader. Plus in the free time we can use him as a bowling machine to cut down the costs a bit. More importantly, our captain Virat Kohli, who apparently is more tempestuous than the Arnab Goswami, can calm himself down by burbling his accumulated grudge on Sreesanth before the match, as Sreesanth is quite used to of facing extreme embarrassment off and on the ground,” said the director of RCB, Siddharth Mallya.

When asked to comment on this whole fixing in the IPL issue, Vijay Mallya, grinned and replied in his typical way, “Can’t say much, but surely, wearing just a towel and lifting your shirt always gets you big money.”

Journalists request Court to send them to jail, to cover Sanjay Dutt’s trial

ControlZ — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:39:15 +0000

After running behind his cars, and getting him into another hit-and-run case by almost getting under his wheels, journalists of various media-houses, have requested the Court to send them to Jail along with Sanjay Dutt, to cover every single minute he spends there.

Sanjay Dutt going to jail, has not only disappointed his family, some Bollywood celebrities, Mahesh Bhatt and Justice Katju, but most of the journalists are also not feeling very good about it.

“I mean life seems so empty again! What are we supposed to do now? Report Crime? Corruption? Inflation? Oh c’mon! Even we want some spice in our life!” said a journalist, holding a placard which read “Sanju! Come back”

Another journalist said “The past few days were so awesome! Get up, go to Pali Hill, watch all the celebrities visiting Sanjay Dutt, watch all those awesome cars, go to Carter Road, chill out, come back home! I mean this is the dream job I wished for!”

When informed, if he is sent to jail, it will not exactly be the fantasy job he wished for, he said “Are you kidding me? There will be celebrities coming up and down to visit Sanjay Dutt and I’m sure, even we will be served with Biryani!”

The journalists requesting a jail term, have decided to cover every single moment Sanjay Dutt spends, which will include the soap he uses, the number of times he visits the toilet, whether there is salt in his toothpaste etc.

Meanwhile, Faking News has made no such appeal with the court, as we like to cover news, by staying out of it.

To find support for ourselves, we went to seek Justice Katju’s opinions, who has been critical towards the media, in the past. “The media channels who have made this appeal, have been very sensitive with this case, and I can surely say 90% of the media is intelligent, and the remaining are fools!” he trolled told us.

Meanwhile, our sources have informed us, that the threat Sanjay Dutt was fearing in the jail, was actually this.

(writer tweets here : @dimaagkoshot)

Royals’ Cheerleaders arrested for alleged involvement in IPL Spot fixing

Kannan — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:37:19 +0000

In an surprising development, two cheerleaders from Rajasthan Royals were arrested for alleged involvement in the spot-fixing saga. A bookie recently arrested by the Delhi police revealed new information to the police during questioning and alleged that they used Cheerleaders to communicate with the players.

“We questioned the bookies to learn about their modus operandi on how they go about spot fixing IPL matches,” Police Commissioner Mr. Topcop Trivedi said, “It gets more and more bizarre. Turns out that cheerleaders are an important part of this plot.”

The cheerleaders under radar

Upon being asked what evidences they gathered before conducting arrests of these girls, he said, “We were studying the raw tapes of different matches, and suddenly noticed that these two girls were constantly changing hair colors between matches. That’s when we knew that something was fishy.”

“The bookies have revealed that hair colors of the cheer leaders were used in different combinations as a signal to indicate which bowler should give away more runs in a particular match,” he said, “If the girl had her hair in natural blonde color, it was Ajit Chandila’s turn to give away runs in that match; if it was a red head then it was Sreesanth’s turn to spot-fix, and if the girl colored her hair brunette, then it was Ankit Chavan’s turn. By using these codes, bookies did not have to risk meeting the players, and could decide the player to bet on by simply observing the cheerleaders, and then observe the player for his cues [towel, shirt, etc] for determining the over to bet on. However, on the day when it was Ajit Chandila’s turn for spot fixing, another girl who was not involved in this racket also changed her hair color. This confused him and he forgot to signal to the bookies [before the fateful over in which he was to give away 14+ runs]. The bookies were mad and demanded the money back from him.”

“There were all kinds of codes that were passed onto the bowlers as well as batsmen,” added commissioner Trivedi, “If one of the girls started dancing without the pom poms then it indicated to the batsmen that he should bat defensively. There were also certain dance steps used to signal how many runs should be given away in an over. By watching the cheerleaders, the bookies would make their bets on how many runs to score.”

The lawyers for the girls dismissed the allegations as rubbish. “This is total nonsense. The police is making a mockery of themselves.” Lawyer Ramakant Bieber said “Western women are known to change their hair colors all the time. These allegations against our clients are baseless.”

Asked for a response, the police commissioner said “At this moment, we have just brought them in for questioning. We are not sure if their involvement was with their direct knowledge, or if they were indirectly tricked by make up artists and choreographers who might be involved with the bookies. We will learn more upon further questioning.”

Cheerleaders not under radar

On hearing these fresh allegations, prominent feminist and president of Bharatiya Mahila Andolan Ms. Twisty Tarapore posted on her blog: “ This is shocking and shameful of the IPL organizers. From the very beginning we were demanding that the cheer leaders who perform in IPL should be Indian girls and not western, but they didn’t listen. Objectifying women’s body as entertainment is in itself shameful but looks like they stooped even further and used them for corrupt activities.”

“I suspect that the organizers picked western girls intentionally to help communicate signals for spot-fixing to the bookies and players through the changing hair colors of the girls and what not,” said Ms. Tarpore, “All of our Indian girls have black color hair, so the task of communication would have been tougher if they had listened to us. And since these western girls can’t speak or understand Hindi, it was easier for the bookies and fixed players to communicate freely behind their back in the IPL after-parties. Pune warriors is the only team to pick Indian girls for cheer leading So with the exception of them [Pune], all other franchises should be ashamed for not hiring Indian girls for cheerleading. They should release these poor women and arrest the franchise owners and responsible officials instead. This is just disgraceful.”

There have been some unconfirmed reports from insider sources who didn’t want to be identified that the bookie who revealed information about the cheergate scandal to the Delhi police, has also made some fresh allegations on top BCCI officials and some IPL owners.

There is obviously some involvement of more players and some top BCCI officials and IPL franchises, without which it wouldn’t have been possible for the bookies to smoothly carry out all their spot-fixing plans,” responded commissioner Trivedi when asked about it. “At this point, I cannot comment more as we are still in the process of gathering evidence. When we gather enough evidence, we are not ruling out arrests of some of these top officials and owners.”

Social activist Bunna Bazari led a protest outside BCCI head office demanding IPL to be banned. “Our country has so many problems that we have to tackle: over-population, poverty, illiteracy, pollution, corruption, inflation, lack of proper infrastructure for roads, lack of proper hygiene, law enforcement issues, etc,” he said, “Instead of investing time, money and resources in solving these problems, we have invested billions of dollars in things like IPL which have brought in more problems. They say that the master minds of the spot fixing scandal are sitting abroad in the middle-east. This means most of the profits from IPL are going to terrorist countries who will create more problems for us. Do we really want to spend millions sponsoring our own terrorists? Why don’t we invest in our own people, in proper infrastructure, education, etc? Look at kingfisher, they say they don’t have money to pay their employess, but they have money to throw on IPL. Enough is enough, we cannot let the government and BCCI get away with plundering the wealth and culture of India. IPL has to go.”

BREAKING NEWS: IPL spot-fixing scandal takes a strange twist, BCCI officials and IPL owners arrested

Vindoo alleges Ashish Nehra for his arrest.

govindupadhyay — Tue, 21 May 2013 15:51:27 +0000

Ashish Nehra posted this pic online, flaunting his teeth.

Mumbai: In a yet another high profile incident, Vindoo Dara Singh, the son of the late wrestler Dara Singh was arrested this afternoon by Mumbai Police for his alleged role in the recent spot-fixing in IPL. Few days back, three cricketers, Sreesanth, Ajit Chandila and Ankeet Chavan of Rajasthan Royals were also arrested by Delhi Police in a similar case.

Vindoo Dara Singh, the winner of Bigg Boss season 3 was arrested as he is suspected to act as a go between the bookies and the cricketers. As soon as he was taken into the police custody he alleged that Ashish Nehra was responsible for his arrest. When asked about what makes him think that Nehra has plotted this trap for him, he said, “Everyone knows my strength, my teeth. And, this is the reason why he’s jealous of me. His teeth are big and huge, but still not as much as mine. This is the reason I thing he’s responsible for my arrest as I’ve no connection with the bookies”. According to the police, Ashish Nehra may be quizzed for his role in this arrest anytime, as he’s free from his IPL duties. It is also to be noted that Sreesanth’s father alleged that Dhoni and Bhajji were responsible for the cricketer’s arrest.

“Ashish is jealous of people with whom I hang out with. I’ve so many friends who like my teeth. You know, Dhoni Bhaiya’s wife, Sakshi Bhabhi likes me because of my teeth only, and he’s jealous of the fact that I’m popular among ladies”, said Vindoo.

We tried to connect Nehra but he was unavailable for his comment, and didn’t respond to any one the SMSes. Although he posted his pic on the micro blogging site Twitter with the caption “Having a great time. Haha. ”.

Police is looking for some other clues in this case and it is expected that more more arrests will happen.

TV news channels to broadcast Sanjay Dutt life from jail

aurbolo — Tue, 21 May 2013 07:55:08 +0000

Many TV news channels are trying to take the cell beside Sanjay Dutt cell in jail on rent and become his neighbor.

From this so called “media-cell” news channels will keep an eye on Sanjay Dutt’s activities round the clock. From here they will broadcast every minute detail of Sanjay Dutt’s private life in Big-Boss style such as, how much time he takes to brush his teeth? the average time he spend in bathroom per day, how many chapattis he eats? how many mosquitoes bit him the previous night? and so on.

Ever since Sanjay Dutt has been found guilty of keeping weapons under arms act in connection with 1993 Mumbai blasts case, media cameras have been trolling him. On the day he went to surrender at TADA court in Mumbai, thousands of media persons followed his car and created a media frenzy environment. The reporters did not not let him come out of his car and were shouting “Baba, Baba, Baba” to get his photo. The situation was so bad that Sanjay Dutt was heard pleading, “Please mujhe surrender karne do, Please mujhe surrender karne do!! “.

One of the camera man of a famous news channel told us on the condition of anonymity that he has been given the task of getting a photo of Sanjay Dutt washing his underwear in jail. One English news channel whose chief editor keeps on claiming that his news channel is not a masala news channels like others, is planning to run regular clips of Sanjay Dutt from jail every morning and evening in a program titled “MunnaBhai in Jail”.

Mahesh Bhatt has welcomed this step of media and said, “I thank media for making it like a reality show. The presence of media people in jail beside Sanjay Dutt would ensure that Bollywood celebs would keep on visiting him regularly. Even I will make it a point to go twice a week. I might launch my new movie from Sanjay Dutt’s cell in jail”.

Sanjay Dutt who has faced camera his entire life is quite scared to see all these cameras around him. He told court sometime back that there is a threat to his life in jail and now it seems he was referring to this trolingl from media. Sanjay Dutt in a SMS interview from jail has told us that he is feeling like Natha of Peepli Live and is even scared to go for potty.

Shikhar Dhawan twirls his mustache during the game, arrested for causing chaos

thinkingnivarp — Mon, 20 May 2013 14:50:51 +0000

Hyderabad: In what is being learnt as a breaking news, Shikhar Dhawan has been arrested by Hyderabad police in wee hours wearing only pyjamas and Rupa banyan. He has been booked for allegedly causing a huge confusion, chaos and even reported scuffles in may parts of the country, just by twirling his mustache during the match. Faking News has learnt that, after the shree-sant spot fixing saga, these days, any action on the field, is being linked to giving hints.

“When I twirl my mustache, i’ll hit a 6, next ball” were his exact words to me , says bookie Jonny Janardan. While Mama Bansali, another seasoned bookie says, “he promised me that he will get out the next ball, after he twirls the mustache”.

If the sources are to be believed, a seasoned don and betting kingping, Dahwood Ibra, is in a rage and has already contacted noted lawyer Katju to sue Shikhar Dhawan for case of cheating. When contacted over phone, he said, “Shikhar had promised me a sweep four, after he twirls his mustache. I’m terribly let down. The only time I was ever let down this way was by seeing Tushhar Kapoor in Shootout at Wadala. And not only did the the directors take him, they gave him dialogues too. This is a case of severe breach of trust, and caused agony.”

He says, Himmatwala is a separate issue, and looks to make millions by suing Sajid Khan during the end of his career.

What is most surprising of this news is aspiring actress, Dena Pinty , has filed a FIR this morning with Versova police station saying that, the mustache twirling was meant for her and everyone was cashing on that episode. If she is to be believed, Shikhar Dhawan had looked only at her in the entire audience, winked and twirled his mustache as they were planning to go on a date after the match. However, Shikar’s wife has furiously reacted to all these reports. She says” he is a very homely guy. He twirled his mustache, to show me how ferociously he loves me”.

In more recent developments, MAHELA Jayawardane has also sued Shikhar Dhawan, claiming his mustache twirling action as inappropriate, provoking, and uncalled for.

He says, it was in 1990′s bhojpuri movie, that a villain would twirl his mustache looking lecherously at the heroine being ragged. It apparently reminded him of some very scary nights, on which he refused to share details with us. The Ghatkopar- Chichpokhli Mahila Samaj have pledged their full support to Mahela Jayawardane for his case.

If rumours mills are to be believed, KKR captain Gautam Gambhir and all rounder Yusuf Pathan have just reached police station. They have no apparent reason for suing, but now are planning to keep themselves busy with this case after being thrown out of IPL and India squad.

Gambhir furiously reacts and says, “He looked at me, in a very suggestive manner, twirling his mustache and said gauti ..mucheee yaani mardaangi ” Although he denied later that these words were actually spoken, but Gambir says, these words were definitely implied to him and he could feel it.

When Shikhar was contacted, he was unavailable for his comment but his spokesperson had to say that “due to heat, sweat had accumulated on his face. He twirled his mustache to drip off the sweat”. Rubbishing out these only logical explanations as baseless and without proof, the tambrahms of south and the Sreesanth’s lungi family and friends are in talks with BCCI on how to shift the focus from spot fixing saga to mustache twirling episode. They say, “Shikhar is a north Indian Delhi guy, inappropriate actions in front of south Indian homely girls comes very naturally to him. He should be punished. He has destroyed the morals and our culture here.”

Last heard before heading to news bureau that the tiger in Himmatwala movie has lavished some praises on Shikhar Dhawan. Suffering for last 2 months with a brain damage after working with Sajid Khan, it was reminded of its prowess by Shikhars expression: ”Shikhar reminded me that I have whiskers too and his expression in that Sunrisers advertisement reminded me of good old days”.

Similar views were echoed by its other good and close tiger friends, who were ashamed to show their face to this world due to their friend’s involvement in Himmatwala scandal.

IPL spot-fixing scandal takes a strange twist, BCCI officials and IPL owners arrested

Kannan — Sun, 19 May 2013 09:01:47 +0000

New Delhi. “Yes, we can confirm that we have arrested four IPL owners and three top BCCI officials,” disclosed the police commissioner of Delhi police Mr. Topcop Trivedi, “They were found with honey-traps in a 5-star hotel in Mumbai.”

Fresh arrests in the spot-fixing scandal has shocked the same set of people

The police claimed to have gotten to the root of the controversy. “It all started making sense when one of the bookies confessed and revealed all their secrets to us,” Trivedi revealed, “Bookies are interested in money, and the best way to make money is by betting on known results, and the best way to influence results is to fix players, and the best way to fix a player is to become a team owner… Therefore, it made total sense when the bookie alleged that IPL franchise owners were directly involved in the betting and spot-fixing nexus!”

Upon hearing this serious allegation, the police started wire tapping the phones of IPL owners and BCCI officials. What they found was shocking.

It turns out IPL is a big ponzi scheme masterminded by the underworld of Mumbai.

Top financial analyst Chatterbox Chaterjee declared in his column: “It makes total sense that IPL owners are involved in betting and spot fixing.” He added, “Otherwise why will anyone in the right frame of mind become an IPL owner, as 90% of them are losing money legally. If they can win money by losing matches, it makes sense that they are handling the bookies.”

This is how it might have started

The Delhi police revealed that the smart IPL owners were luring the poor players in the after-party and making money through bookies.

“The IPL owners planted bookies in the after-party to trap the players into the scheme. Players with poor pay and ugly wives were the easy targets,” revealed commissioner Trivedi, “They approached players who were bought for smaller amounts and were jealous of higher paid players. In cases of already well-paid players like Sreesanth, they used honey-traps. We are told that a psychic was also in the bookies’ payroll, and potions and love spells were recovered during the raid. They used several tactics to rope the players in.”

It turns out that the IPL franchises lured BCCI officials using similar tactics involving money and honey-traps.

“Yes, we can confirm that women were around when we arrested the BCCI officials,” said Trivedi, “The poor BCCI officials are underpaid. They were jealous of the IPL players who made big bucks in auction and got to hang out with the cheers leaders in the parties. So the IPL owners cleverly lured them with honey traps and money during the after parties.”

The BCCI officials were not available for comment. Their lawyers claimed that all of them were innocent. “All these allegations are false. My clients are innocent,” said Mr. Smoothtalker Mahalingam, “This is some kind of conspiracy by the new Pakistani government to topple Indian cricket.”

Some people are so shocked that they want IPL to be banned

The high court has allowed the police to keep the IPL owners and BCCI officials in custody for one more week for questioning. BCCI officials were spotted with lumps on their heads. “No, we did not use any torture techniques to interrogate them,” said Commissioner Trivedi, “These lumps are the result of angry wives of the officials who came to know about honey-traps.”

An IPL owner, who didn’t want to be identified said, “Well, some of these owners had apparently borrowed heavily from the Underworld to pay the expensive players. They were under pressure to repay the debt. So they probably had to resort to such cheap tactics to make illegal money on the side by spot fixing.”

“However this spoils everything for the rest of us who have been playing by the rules. We are the real victims in this scandal. We were tricked into this ponzi scheme thinking it’s a legitimate business model. The truth is that there is no way you can make profit through legal means in IPL. We want the IPL to be banned and would like all our money refunded by the BCCI. The corrupt ones should be sent to Guantanmo bay prison. As for the players, they have to come and work in our cement factories and act in Bollywood movies to repay the big sums we paid them,” he added.

Meanwhile, the Sports Ministry of India is considering shutting down IPL and BCCI. “This scandal has brought great disgrace to our country,” Sports Minister Mr. Thakur said, “We will get to the bottom of this.”

We will keep you posted with developments….

Spot-fixing legalized, betting website development work given to IRCTC developers

manithan — Sat, 18 May 2013 09:16:29 +0000

New Delhi. In wake of spot-fixing issue that has rocked the Cricketing world, the Government of India has decided to legalize spot-fixing. In a press release, it was declared that spot-fixing in cricket was legal as long as it was done via a dedicated web portal specifically designed and developed for this purpose.

And it was mentioned in that press release that the design and development of the portal would be given to the same team that had designed and developed the IRCTC portal.

“Any spot-fixing or betting done outside the portal will be still considered a serious crime, and the offenders will be arrested within 24 hours,” Delhi Police warned the bookies.

In this scene, Ranbir Kapoor drops the towel. People who bet money on this movie said it will flop. And Saawariya flopped. Film analysts believe that this is an example of Spot-fixing in Bollywood.

When the news spread, bookies came out in large numbers and started protesting outside the Police Commissioner’s office.

Shorty Sanju, a bookie from Delhi, said in a furious tone, “Arrey, everyone knows how many days it takes to book a ticket via the IRCTC website. Now if I want to book a IPL-7 match via their web portal, I will have to start the fixing work from now itself. I have to employ a team that would be watching the page for months together so that they can do the fixing once the page loads fully. And worse, it may load after the match has ended. This will ruin our business!”

However, the government may not agree to the bookie’s demands as Ministers are not happy with the latest spot-fixing scandal. They want to take control away from the bookies who have been managing the whole business in an unprofessional way.

“Just 60 Lakhs?! It is a shame! It’s an amount smaller than the Salman Khurshid’s reported scam,” complained union minister Beni Prasad Verma, “We are doing corruption at the rate of thousands of crores and these useless guys have done it for just a few lakhs. We need to train them and hence we should take final decisions regarding match-fixing.”

Another union minister said that there was nothing unique if some cricketers like Sreesanth were accused of cheating cricket fans through match-fixing, and that the government was justified in making an official system for match-fixing.

“Not only cricketers, media also cheats!” claimed Kapil Sibal, the aforementioned minister, “Media cheats more than one billion people with false, biased and paid news. So you have no rights to ask questions. Let the government fix this.”

Meanwhile, Shivraj, an activist, commented on a Facebook page that “I suspect Latil Modi to be behind this crime”. When our reporter contacted him to explain why he thought so, he replied, “I don’t know the reason bhai, we are paid to target anyone with surname Modi.”

Worldwide mobile connections to double in next five years, courtesy Dr Wangchuk

Mishtik Journo — Fri, 17 May 2013 16:41:08 +0000

Seoul, South Korea, and somewhere in Tibet: Imagine that while your wife is shouting at you “live” and at the same time you speak to your mistress on the mobile phone, your brain comprehends the two inputs separately, with “parallel conflicting emotions”.

The breakthrough has been achieved by a Tibet based acupressure specialist Dr Funshek Wangchuk, working for a leading South Korean mobile telephony giant. The new mobile phone instrument developed by the company presses a particular nerve behind the ear of the user enabling his brain to process the two sound signals received by either of the ears independently.

When the marketing wizards of the Korean company were brainstorming on the topic, “Mobile phone connections to outnumber humans next year in 2014”, they concluded that to continue to grow, “the redundancy provided by mother nature in terms of hearing ability to humans must be exploited”. This will generate a mass segment in the market which will subscribe to a second connection using the two ears independent of each other. They then zeroed in on Dr Wangchuk to help develop this product.

Ramesh using two DuCoWangs

The instrument aptly named as Dual Comprehension Wangchuk (DuCoWang) Phone, can also be shown as a CSR (Company’s Social responsibility) activity for tax benefits since apart from voice signal inputs from phones, human ears are subjected to multiplicity of sounds from live people around them, music, TV audio and a myriad of ambient sounds.

Ramesh Sharma from India who uses DuCoWang phones, being a subject of clinical trials, however, complained, “The other day when I was speaking to my younger brother ~~on one phone~~ with one ear and with my girlfriend on the other one, I mistakenly said ‘I love you’ to the brother with whom I am always at loggerheads and ‘Go to hell’ to the girlfriend with a shocked silence on both channels”.

“We only have one tongue to speak with and one has to respond to either of the ear channels turn by turn, and the tongue invariably slips, failing in coordinating with the relevant ear”, he added.

Dr Wangchuk is, however, confident that this limitation will be taken care of as human brain takes about two weeks to adapt itself to DuCoWang phones. “We are also looking at the possibility of a small device called duo-mouthpiece through which one can do the “double-talk” with ease.” a company spokesperson confided with Faking News.

The company plans to commercially offer these phones as a free bundled product when a subscriber signs a contract to buy a plan for a period of two years.

Phones on Auto Pilot Conversation (APiCon)

A US based rival company is secretly working on a product called “Auto Pilot Conversations” (APiCon) based on “Voice synthesis” and “Speech recognition” technologies using Artificial Intelligence (AI) which will enable mobile phone of a user to converse on auto pilot (while he /she is busy on the other phone) extrapolating the earlier trend of talks between the two parties. The subscribers will have a rewind option to listen to such communications when they are free from their other phone and update themselves with what transpired on the ‘second phone’ call.

With these and many other breakthroughs in sight scientists predict that in next five years worldwide average per-capita connections would cross two and the mobile connections would outnumber total number of human ears on earth.

Sreesanth arrested for something

Sagar Birla — Fri, 17 May 2013 16:35:22 +0000

New Delhi. In a high profile operation, Delhi Police is all set to arrest at least three Rajasthan Royals cricketers – Sreesanth, Ankeet Chavan and Ajit Chandila, under sections of cheating and Spot Fixing. According to Delhi Police, they were following a lead in one of many pending rape cases, and caught a bookie. Apparently, the bookie, who belongs to the D-gang, also bets on the number of a rape cases in a day in NCR reason.

The news came as a shock for Raj Kundra, co-owner of Rajasthan IPL franchise, said that he was changing his son’s diapers and making breakfast when he got to know about the scandal. “The franchise will provide all the information needed for the investigation, as we also wanted to get rid of Sreesanth,” he admitted.

In his defense, Sreesanth accepted media that he got a call from an unknown number on 16th April. The bookie offered him a huge money for spot fixing, which he agreed on at that time. But, he never intended to spot any ball and ‘un-royal’ his team’s name. Shashi Tharoor supported him, “He bowled entire season like he always does.”

Sreesanth thought that it would be a perfect “win-win” situation for him as he had to bowl as usual, nothing special; and the bookie would never know that he is cheating on him.

Lalit Modi, former chairman of IPL, was the first one to comment on the scandal. He tweeted, “Fixing is everywhere in the IPL. IPL is being fixed since its 4th edition. But, there is a reason why only Rajasthan’s name has come out.” Rajiv Shukla, like a true Congress man, has asked to further investigate and promised to take appropriate steps on proper time.

Entire cricket fraternity coming up with their views, but Bhajji could not be contacted. Mohd. Azharuddin, Ajay Jadeja and Nayan Mongia were seen as the expert committee members on a well-known news channel. They advised Sreesanth to not to take it too hard on himself and said that there are plenty of opportunities out there. In the meantime, Viacom 18 has offered Sreesanth to participate in the coming season of Bigg Boss.

Modi’s statue of unity unites his opponents

10janpath — Fri, 17 May 2013 16:21:12 +0000

Congress has come down heavily on Narendra Modi’s statue politics. Congress General secretary ‘Trick ‘Vijay Singh asked Narendra Modi to apologize to US for even thinking of building a statue twice the size of statue of liberty.

He told Faking News, “Mr Modi has crossed all limits. India could face far greater sanctions than in 1998 because of Mr Modi’s downright insult to Uncle Sam’s lady love.”

Congress MP Miss Renuka ‘Shout’dhary called this an extremely sexist move. A visibly upset Miss ‘Shout’dhary told Faking News “How can he think of building a male statue in India. Where has all the talk of women empowerment vanished?. I can understand building a statue for someone as elegant as Priyanka Gandhi but Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel, Really!!”

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi made headlines with an unprecedented statement saying that Modi is playing dangerous vote bank politics with sikhs and Congress is the only party which is truly committed to ‘Sardar’ Vallabhbhai Patel’s dream of a separate sikh nation. Subramanian Swamy immediately asked Rahul Gandhi if he knew who Jawaharlal Nehru was. India-T(RP)V even ran a bulletin with the title “Kya hai Sardar Patel ki asliyat. Kya Rahul galat hain?”

Meanwhile, media is rife with speculation that Mayav’hathi’ could support BJP in the 2014 elections , if Modi builds a statue of ‘Mayav’hathi riding a ‘bicycle’, in the beautiful Rann of Kutch. Inside sources within the Gujrat government say that Mr. Modi is extremely tense about BJP high command considering any such arrangement and shudders to think of the extent of damage it could cause to his beloved Rann of Kutch.

International media report is abuzz with reports about possible trade sanctions, as Mr. John Kerry, the US secretary of state is set to raise this issue when he meets prime-minister Manmohan Singh next week. The government is set to ask US to continue denying Visa to Mr.Modi. Meanwhile, Mamata Banerjee, also livid with ‘sexist’ Modi’, asked the central government to immediately revoke his visa to West Bengal.

The Left not be ‘left’ behind went one step ahead and alleged that Modi secretly carries a Nepali passport and that his Indian passport be immediately revoked and he be exiled to Nepal.

DMK chief M karuna-needy took a moral high ground on corruption and demanded a thorough JPC enquiry into ‘gross corruption’ even before the ambitious project started. RJD’s Aloo Yadav lauded Karuna-needy’s vision and preemptive action and openly supported a third front coalition with DMK on an anti-Modi anti-corruption plank.

Indian cabinet paves way for Luxury Jails; ITDC eyes the captives’ market

Mishtik Journo — Fri, 17 May 2013 09:26:27 +0000

Taking a compassionate view on the discomfort of Sanjay Dutt and considering the recent rising trend of affluent convicts in prisons across India, the cabinet today cleared the way for amending the Prisons Act, 1894 to have ‘Samriddh Kaaragar’ (Luxury Prisons) sooner than later.

Rich convicts will now not have to plead ~~officially or unofficially~~ for basic facilities like mobile phones, fridge, TV and Air Conditioners inside prisons.

Luxury Jails with laser bars

A favorable climate has been developing among politicians and bureaucrats to urgently have such prisons. “So many of our brothers are in a deplorable state inside the jails and we don’t know when bad times may strike for us also”, was the concern raised by one leader enjoying prominence in political circles.

“CBI will get autonomy by July, Supreme Court is already hyper active and there is pressure from civil society, not to forget sting operations by the media”, said one participant with tension writ large on his face. “Had such jails been there in neighborhood Pakistan, General Musharraf would not have to run away from the court when ordered to be sent to prison”, he added

“Over a period of time we have five different air conditioned classes in railways whereas ~~cattle~~ second class has not seen any expansion; standard of living of ~~mango~~ middle class has gone up substantially with mobile phones, internet, expansive clothes & latest gadgets, then why we should not have air conditioned prisons with modern amenities for those who can afford them?”, was the argument made by many at the meeting. “After all, we offer tatkal services for passport and train tickets to those who can pay the premium.”

The demand to have a 50 Mtr swimming pool and provision of Cigarettes for the inmates in such jails was referred to an EGOM (Empowered Group of Ministers) for consideration and speedily furnishing their report within seven days.

In the meantime, ITDC, eyeing ‘a captive client base’, has proposed to convert most of its hotel properties where occupancy is low, into ‘Samriddh Kaaragars’. “We will strive to improve the facilities to bring them up-to the standards of luxury prisons as proposed under the new law”, said a senior officer of the corporation. “The locations of our properties are also in close vicinity to where maximum potential exists for such jails. ITDC is even finalizing a tie up with Dominos to ‘cell deliver’ half baked pizzas to maintain the jail taste”, he added enthusiastically.

Pawan Bansal to become a Tatkaal Ticket booking agent

aurbolo — Fri, 17 May 2013 09:24:06 +0000

Former railway minister, Pawan Kumar Bansal who resigned recently under pressure from opposition after his nephew was arrested by CBI for taking a bribe of Rs. 90 lakh in a bribe-for-job scandal, is all set to become a tatkaal ticket booking agent with Indian Railways.

Soon after submitting his application form for becoming a railway ticket agent today, he talked to media after a long time and said, “Indian railways has a lot of potential. Becoming an agent and providing ticket to others is a huge business opportunity and this way I will remain connected with Indian Railways too”.

On being asked about how does he see his downfall from being a railway minister to becoming a railway ticket agent, he said, “In a way all ministers are agents only, so I don’t see this as a demotion. Also I am not the first minister of this current government who has resigned over corruption charges. Many have resigned before and usually our party compensates us by giving us some other portfolio or making us Governor of some state. I will also be back soon”.

Getting a reservation ticket in train under tatkaal quota is next to impossible without involving an ticket agent. The IRCTC website hardly works during tatkaal ticket booking hours and at reservation counters, there is always a queue longer than the China wall.

People are ready to pay as much as thrice the price of a tatkaal ticket to an agent in return of a confirmed reservation in tatkaal quota. Considering such a demand it can be concluded that Pawan Bansal will easily earn more than Rs. 90 lakhs (the amount of bribe his nephew is alleged to have taken) per month.

Bansal also clarified that being a uncle to a nephew does not mean that he is also involved in taking bribes. He reasoned that he should not be held liable for what his nephews do because then we should also blame Chacha Nehru for any scam done by anyone in this country as everyone is nephew of Chacha Nehru. He also cited example of cricketer Suresh Raina whose twitter account was used by his nephew sometime back to post some controversial tweets.

Pawan Bansal will soon open a office in Delhi for his new business. On being asked whether he will do any goat worship this time also to mark the occasion, he said, “Last time I worshiped goat because I felt like being made a scapegoat as there have been scams involving thousands of crores but the people involved are still enjoying the comforts of being a minister while I was asked to resign just for Rs. 90 lakhs in the name of building a clean image for upcoming elections”.

Bansal has decided to name his new agency as “Agent Mama-Bhanje“.

Saif hospitalized after seeing Zombies, err, family members sans makeup

sarcasticscribe — Fri, 17 May 2013 04:51:33 +0000

Unconfirmed sources from Leelavati Hospital today said that Bollywood actor and National Award winner Saif Ali Khan has been admitted in the hospital as he suffered a major shock.

He informed doctors that he saw his family members Soha and Bebo without makeup. He tried to fight them by throwing Pond’s power and Head n Shoulders shampoo, a technique he learned in his new movie Go Goa Gone.

When reporters tried to reach Karishma Kapoor, who was also present in the house that night, Karishma told us that all of them are equally shocked and Kareena in particular was in shock as this is not the first time Saif has seen her like that. She thinks that it was because of the excessive promotion of his new Zombie movie.

Doctors also informed that Saif’s English was a bit irritating as he is still speaking in Russian accent.

Harbhajan decides to slap Sreesanth again

Pratik Purohit — Thu, 16 May 2013 16:40:32 +0000

Harbhajan Singh, Indian off spinner who is better known to have slapped Sreesanth has decided to slap Sreesanth again. Already furious over some tweets of Sreesanth, Harbhajan took this serious decision after the spot fixing allegations against Sreesanth.

Harbhajan might be failing to take wickets on filed, but this time he is confident to clean bowl Sreesanth.

Harbhajan Singh showing his elbow..

“I will slap him in front of media, once he comes out of Jail. Why did he do spot fixing? arre abhi itne bure din bhi nahi aaye hain. Nowadays I don’t have money to fill patrol in my Hummer but I never did this. Mujhse paise maange leta gaddi bech kar de deta, bhai hai wo mera,” reacted an angry and emotional Harbhajan.

When asked, he refused to respond over the allegations made by Srees’s father.

“Pichali baar to bach gaya, abki baar kaun bachayega isko…” said Harbhajan Singh (off camera) with vertical fingers.

Meanwhile hardcore IPL fans are eagerly waiting and composing their tweets for those masala moments. In order to show his seriousness against spot fixing, BCCI too has decided to support Harbhajan Singh.

Katju appeals for pardon for Sreesanth ‘as he helped India win T20 World Cup’

obsoletevodka — Thu, 16 May 2013 12:58:32 +0000

On a day when his earlier appeal for pardon for Sanjay Dutt fizzled out and the Munnabhai went to jail, Press Council of India chairman Markendeya Katju received a shot in the arm as he found another great cause to fight for to while away his time.

Even as news reports trickled in about former Indian ~~spoilsport~~ cricketer Sreesanth being arrested by the Delhi police for spot fixing in the IPL, Katju knew that he had found his next mission.

“90% of Indians are idiots. Sreesanth is in the top 1%. Idiots should be ignored and not punished”

Even before cricket’s most powerful man, N Srinivasan addressed a press conference in the afternoon, Katju had shot of a letter to the the Delhi High Court appealing for pardon for the ~~scamster~~ speedster. Below is a copy of the letter:

“Respected Judges,

It is with great pain and anguish that I write this letter. Not because Sanjay Dutt has gone to jail, but because one of Indian cricket’s greatest fast bowlers has been arrested for spot fixing in the IPL.

I would like to bring to your notice that no one takes the IPL seriously- not the fans, not the players and even the BCCI. Everyone knows its about money. Remember how Ricky Ponting a few years back said that IPL is not cricket at all? Now he plays for Mumbai Indians because they are providing him retirement fund to the tune of a few million dollars, just to sit from the dug out and watch the matches. Everyone knows these matches are fixed (How else can CSK win all the time?)

I would like to bring to your attention my earlier letters to various quarters asking for pardon for Sanjay Dutt. Sanjay Dutt was just a kid when he took arms from Dawood Ibrahim. He was just 33 years old. His parents were social workers and even Sanjay Dutt himself spread the message of Mahatma Gandhi in his movie. But he has gone to jail.

Sanjay Dutt was at least 33 years old. But Sreesanth is not even a kid. He is just 30 years old. He is a toddler. He should be pardoned.

Taking money from someone else other than your employer to underperform should not be a crime. May be he wanted money to pay his bills. And considering his wayward bowling and temperamental nature, the team might have told him his annual appraisal will be ‘Needs Improvement’ and he might have panicked about not getting his bonus and variable pay.

I would like to humbly point out that India needs to thank Sreesanth for his immense contribution to the country, especially by helping shame Pakistan.

Sreesanth grew emotional after he came to know about Justice Katju’s letter

The Indian government could not do anything when our soldiers were beheaded by the Pakistanis. Sreesanth made sure Pakistan hung its head in shame when we beat them in the first ever T20 World Cup. Sreesanth could have spot-fixed in the match and dropped that catch of Misbah in the finals.

But he did not have the ~~opportunity~~ heart to do so. Dhoni also owes his captaincy career to Sreesanth, as it is because of that one catch that India won the world cup and Dhoni was able to keep his captaincy. Also, in the 2011 world cup, Sreesanth did Dhoni a favour by bowling badly and hence making it easy for Dhoni to drop him and win the world cup.

Even Harsha Bhogle has tweeted that there is a “distinction between match fixing & spot fixing essential.neither of the 3 players had a significant role in deciding a match outcome”.

Unlike Sanjay Dutt’s case, where many people died, no human or bird or animal lost their lives during the making of this spot fixing scandal.

Also, Sreesanth plays for Rahul Dravid’s team. Rahul Dravid, as you know, is an epitome of honesty and integrity and has helped his team get great respect from fans in whichever stadium Rajasthan Royals plays.

I would also like to point out that 90% of Indians are idiots. Sreesanth is in the top 1% of the 90%.

Hence, I kindly request you to pardon him even before filing any charges, in national interest. Sometimes idiots need to be ignored.

Yours truly.
M.Ka ju

BCCI to give 50% of the revenue earned in IPL-6 to Sreesanth for improving its TRP

indianpsycho — Thu, 16 May 2013 10:23:31 +0000

Mumbai: In a meeting held today by working committee of BCCI immediately after the Spot Fixing scandal rocked the nation, it was unanimously decided by the members of the committee to hail the selfless efforts taken by Sreesanth to revive viewers interest in the sixth edition of IPL by rewarding him with the 50% of the revenue BCCI earns at the end of this season.

It has also been decided to make him the head of the IPL governing council after none of the current members could come with anything innovative to check the falling TRPs this season.

“Man we were at our wit’s end to come up with controversies good enough to bring back people’s interest this year. We even asked Shahrukh Khan if he could recreate what he did at Wankhede last year at any other stadium but he refused and went back to dancing at weddings. Even Luke Pomersbach’s libido it seemed had been drastically reduced as even the presence of Priety Zinta ji in the dressing room also failed to get him going,” said the IPL chief Rajiv Shukla.

Sreesanth failed to control his tears seeing his efforts getting rewarded.

“Absolutely nothing was working for us. Even the Gambhir-Virat spat that our creative team came up with failed to grab enough eyeballs for us. We were shocked to find TRPs of Aastha channel coming higher than IPL. In fact, the current season was becoming so boring that truth be told even i was watching Balika Vadhu with my wife everyday,” said an exasperated Rajiv Shukla.

“Just when we had lost all our hope and were thinking of doing away with IPL from next year, Sree brought life into it by first doing a remarkable job through his tweets on the Bhajji SlapGate incident. He did not just stop there. He marched ahead like a soldier on a mission to rock the cricketing world with Spot fixing scandal. Add to that his on field antics which not only entertain spectators but also help in shooing away dogs or other animals that enter stadium and interrupt the proceedings. Not only this BCCI has also earned a lot because of him through Zoos that have given us a huge sum to hire his services in place of the now almost extinct chimpanzees,” added a now happy Shukla.

When asked if this is what BCCI wanted then why is Sharad Pawar so shocked and why does he want strong action to be taken against Sreesanth and 2 other players involved, Shukla brushed it aside saying, “Oh that’s nothing. Pawar Ji is not angry because of fixing, he is angry because Sree didn’t offer him a share in the money. But we will give him also 2% of the revenue and that should take care of him.”

Our sources say though Spot Fixing has brought a positive change in fortunes of IPL and its sponsors, BCCI is finding it tough to defend how somebody could offer Sreesanth money for doing something that comes naturally to him i.e. bowling no-balls, wides and leaking runs.

Sanjay Dutt pleads Supreme Court to allow him to carry AK 56 to jail

diggyleaks — Wed, 15 May 2013 07:51:17 +0000

In a petition filed before Supreme Court, Bollywood star Sanjay Dutt has pleaded the court to allow him to keep an AK 56 rifle in jail with him, as his life is under threat from ‘fundamentalists‘.

It should be recalled that Dutt had told his his father that he possessed the cache of arms, including 3 Chinese Type 56 assault rifles (popularly but wrongly known as AK 56 in India) because ‘Muslim blood runs in his veins’. Since then, Sanjay Dutt has reformed himself and detests fundamentalists, as confirmed by Justice Katju.

Sanjay Dutt is ready for his jail term

Apart from threat from fundamentalists, Dutt’s lawyer also cited a few examples where he was ‘brutally’ attacked with tweets and Facebook statuses on the day of he was sentenced.

“My client has been attacked several times by fundamentalists, and there have been instances when saving himself was quite impossible for him,” Dutt’s lawyer told Faking News outside the court.

“He must be granted this permission (to carry AK 56 to jail), even if Justice Katju has to be reinstated as a judge to hear the plea and pronounce the verdict,” he added.

When contacted, PCI chairman Markandey Katju supported Dutt’s plea but denied any chance of his reinstatement as a functioning judge.

“Not only it is legally impossible, but also because it is needless,” Justice Katju said, “The Hon’ble Supreme Court doesn’t need me to pronounce the verdict, as 70 percent of its judges are like me only.”

On being asked why he was supporting Sanjay Dutt for something he was been sentence for, he said, “justice should be tempered with mercy.”

“What will happen to his wife and small children if something happens to him in the jail? The risk on his life is so high that he was forced to defy the law by keeping AK 56 in his home, and it continues to haunt him, so let him take that to the jail. He doesn’t need to be punished again for the same crime,” Katju argued.

On being interrupted with a question that what if Sanjay Dutt shoots someone with the assault rifle, which fires at the rate of 650 rounds per minute, Justice Katju said, “He is a great follower of Mahatma Gandhi and he has done an excellent movie to spread Bapu’s message, so I am sure he will never use the weapon even in his dream.”

The former SC judge also said he believed that Dutt’s film left a deep impact on the viewer’s mind, though he had not watched any movie for the last 40 years.

On the other hand noted lawyer Lousy Husband Jethmalani when approached, warned Faking News never to seek his comments on such ‘nonsense’, and said that such issues were worth commenting for people like Justice Katju only.

Congress prepares itself for the 5G scam

Sushant Sharma — Wed, 15 May 2013 07:20:58 +0000

In a breaking news today, Congress has tighten its belt to have the 5G spectrum scam. Congress prepared for it after the news from Samsung broke out this Monday that it has successfully tested the 5G data transmission in wireless technology in its lab in South Korea.

Speaking to Faking News congress spokesperson Manish Tewari, in his well known accent, said that he was very excited with the news from Samsung.

“We have always given people bigger scams in past 9 years and we are determined to give them one more,” he said. He also apologized to the people of this country for not coming up with 3G and 4G spectrum scam. He blamed for the same on CAG, Supreme Court, and people of this country for the intensely scrutinizing the government.

“You know Supreme court has given us tough time, due to it our caged parrot CBI has gone out of our hands and is nabbing us, be it 2G or Coalgate scam. If they hadn’t given us hard times then we might have been successful in gifting people with one more scam but we are sorry that we couldn’t be successful in it,” he rued.

When asked by Faking News what makes him so confident that this time they will be successful in his plans, the I&B minister informed, “We have already put out some of our distracters like Digvijay Singh, who will be bullshitting against Supreme court. Kapil Sibal as law minister will push the Judicial accountability bill. Some many other measures are taken to push the supreme court at corner. With the necessary diversion we will be getting, we are sure to execute ’Operation G5′.”

Tewari further revealed that the code name “Operation G5″ was finalized for the 5G spectrum scam. He estimated the size of the scam to be around 3 lakh crores. Asked by Faking News if this was the final size of the scam, he retorted immediately that this was their initial estimations and the final size of the scam would be decided in a high powered GoM when the 5G spectrum scam will be available to the GoI.

Meanwhile Faking News pointed that as Bhaarat Nirmaan ads are already on air how will congress boast of this achievement in front of people, to which Manish Tewari said that the gov will make a special ad for the 5G scam.

PM to appoint Pawan Bansal to investigate the GoM

snamboy — Wed, 15 May 2013 06:48:24 +0000

New Delhi: In a sudden change of events, after the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, appointed a Group of Ministers, GoM, to investigate the independence of CBI, he further appointed ex-Railway Minister Pawan Bansal to investigate the activities of GoM.

Speaking to our reporters, the PM said, “As Pawan Bansal is not in the cabinet he would be able to independently investigate the GoM investigating the CBI which is in turn investigating various scams of the government.”

He further added that he got the brilliant idea after watching the 2010 blockbuster Inception.

Digvijaya Singh added that the layers of investigation would help the government keep up with their age old excuse “We are investigating the matter” for longer. He added that the step would also help better investigation as more members sharing their findings would improve efficiency.

Pawan Bansal has accepted the new role even though he did not deny the possibility of being made a scape’goat’ in the event of any failure by the GoM.

The BJP spokesperson speaking on the event said, “After many scams like the coalgate, the UPA is at it again with their new scam, investigate.” He further added that “the PM must resign”.

Looking further the Prime Minister has also suggested appointing another team to investigate any interference by Pawan Bansal’s nephews in his new role.

Inspired by Airtel ad, politicians will buy votes by showing Re 1/- video

Shaitaan Khopdi ™ — Wed, 15 May 2013 06:43:27 +0000

Bhopal: After drawing flak from all sections of the society by offering Rs 1000 to buy an Rs 3 newspaper, Rahul Gandhi has been quick to learn his lesson. Now on, he has decided that he will pay the chaiwalllas, paperwallas, etc. by showing them videos on his Airtel mobile.

“People have been making all types of comments on him post this incident,” said his mentor Digvijay Singh, “The Gandhi’s are not used to of paying from their pocket. You must remember the famous Kalawati incident. Rahul baba had a comfortable 5 course meal at her expense but does anybody remember Rahul ji paying any money to her?”

Airtel has come up with this brilliant idea to say tata to cash payments

“So naturally he had no idea how much tea or paper will cost. He probably got confused paperwala with mediawallas. Our party often pays media wallas, to write about us. So when this guy came to us waving the newspaper. We thought he was showing us the draft version of his report before publishing,” Digvijay Singh explained.

“As has been the case with us since last few months, we typically see the reports before it gets available in public domain. Not only this, we seldom do proofreading/correction of reports as well. Although we have been gracious enough not to demand any payments for such services. Ask CBI if you don’t believe us,” he further added.

“So Rahul ji mistook paperwalla with media walla and tried to pay those Rs 1000 as advance. But he has been quick to make amends. Now on he has decided to pay all these poor people using his Airtel mobile. He will show the Congress ads that people don’t see otherwise. So we hit 2 birds with one stone. First, we don’t have to worry about keeping change in our pockets, Two, we don’t have to pay those news channels to show our adverts. We will show this to people directly,” Rahul Gandhi’s trusted aide disclosed the new plan.

BSP supremo Mayawati was quick to seize the opportunity. Behanji was recently harassed by election commission guys for carrying small amount of cash when she was campaigning for Karnataka elections. If she starts keeping track of every 10-15 crore dumped in her handbags/helicopters, then when will she do public service?

So she has recharged her smartphone with Rs.20000 and now she will pay money to her voters by showing Airtel videos. This way IT sleuths will never be able to trace how and where money is flowing, explained her secretary.

Khap member found watching Porn

superman — Wed, 15 May 2013 04:40:47 +0000

Sources have just confirmed that a KHAP panchayt member in a remote village of Haryana has been found watching porn on his mobile while official hearing of a love-couple was going on.

However, Khap member has denied watching it. Another Khap member told the sources, “How can we watch a porn? We are KHAP and we are against love marriage and illegal relationships. Our name also mean Khuni Humans Against Pyar also sometime last P means Porn. You must have mistaken KANDAji by a KHAP member. He used to come here very often to see whether there is any new hot girl being killed. He used to save those girls and give protection in his house . But Kandji was against those boys and believed in harsher punishment for them.”

Our sources have already confirmed the finding of 100′s of innocent girls in Kanda’s night house.

But after showing the video evidence of watching porn, entire KHAP group went silent. Retracting back from his original statement accused KHAP clarified, “My intention was not bad. A lot of girls from our village go to city and then gets into the business of adult movies. Sunny Leone has become inspiration for our girls. We have been watching her for years and believe us, she is not good. So to keep track of our girls we have launched an initiative called ‘ladki bachaao’ and whenever we see any of our girl in love or in illegal relationship, either we just kill them or give them to Kandaji.”

On further investigation it was found that KHAP was watching a famous US porn series named ‘My Sister’s Hot Friend” and when asked about it, Khap replied, “Nowadays US is outsourcing everything to India and we fear that they may target our girls; and in any case how does it matter if we are watching Indian porn or US porn? Our aim is save all daughters and also there are no good Indian porn site.”

Our source could not ask more as he is also having a love affair and submitted the report.