In an unexpected but long awaited turn of events, Woman’s ex finally vacated the room of her heart. In other words, she got over her high school ex boyfriend 7 years after high school ended. On Monday morning, she woke up feeling no feelings whatsoever for the guy she dated for all of 6 months.
Friends report that they didn’t notice any warning signs leading up to the event. They claim, even the degradation of her ex’s social media posting habits into that of an inspirational quote posting baby boomer hadn’t perturbed her.
BFF #2 (name hidden to lend anonymity) informed us, “She kept mentioning him once every few months in conversations, so I knew she was still closely monitoring his activities”. Despite the understandable abandonment of hope, BFF #2 would listen patiently and try to make relevant comments. She now wonders what had lacked in her consolation that it took Woman so long to recover.
Some friends, however, were in a celebratory mood. BFF #1 (name hidden to lend anonymity) wanted to thank the authorities in Woman’s brain, “I’m grateful to the SWAT cell in her brain that swatted her ex out of there. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but they came through.”
Woman’s new friend from her aerial yoga class isn’t very optimistic though. She worries, “Her last two crushes were already in relationships. She now has no other guy to focus her romantic feelings towards. And we all know that having no man in your life isn’t allowed by the laws of physics.”
According to every religious text ever written by single, old, men it is impossible for the room of a woman’s heart to be devoid of a man post puberty. Experts agree, “This is an unprecedented situation. We can now only wait and watch how things pan out.”
Woman’s family and friends are now waiting with bated breath and numerous social media accounts, ready to do a background check on whichever primate Woman lays her eyes upon.