Tuesday, 20th November, 2018

Rahul Gandhi accuses BJP of practicing Black Magic

22, Aug 2018 By Kannan

Agitated at being humiliated by the BJP’s top brass time and again, Rahul Gandhi, Entertaining President of Congress accused BJP in strongest of the language and his main target was Amit Shah.

Recently, during his speech, the microphone malfunctioned. As he was deeply into the speech, Rahul had to shout so his voice could be heard to the backbenchers and it strained his already strained voice. In a fit of fury, he declared that the microphone was switched off by Amit Shah. “Amit Shah can’t digest I convey my thoughts to you so you all be happy. He was a sadist who wanted to project me as a Pappu” Rahul Gandhi vented out his frustration.

"They asked me to close my eyes like this", said Rahul Gandhi
“They asked me to close my eyes like this”, said Rahul Gandhi

After sipping a peg of Corex, he continued in the voice that sounded almost like an iron sheet being scratched by nails. “You all know I went to the famous Doon school. You all know I went to the Cambridge University. You all know I have travelled length and breadth of the world – from Thailand to Bahamas. And, you all know how many blunders I make in public life”.

Pushing up his long sleeves to expose his hairy arms, he forced red streaks into his otherwise dazed eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes. I committed many blunders. I talk nonsense most of the time. How can a Cambridge educated guy commit such gaffes? Is it possible? Despite being chaiwala, even Narendra Modi doesn’t commit these many silly mistakes.   So, why was I making so many mistakes” he questioned the audience.

Meanwhile the electrician wearing Orange scarf walked to him and took the mic and switched it on muttering “Maybe you are always on high”. The mic started functioning. Rahul Gandhi sighed loudly and the noise wrapped entire meeting hall that everyone present there felt Rahul Gandhi next to him.

Rahul continued “See, even now I switched the mic off and was blaming Amit Shah. Even the electrician thinks I am always on high. How can I do such gaffes on a regular basis? How come it became natural for me to commit mistakes and talk nonsense? Here am I, the son of former Prime Minister, who was the son of a former Prime Minister, who was the daughter of a former Prime Minister. How can the theory of genetics be wrong?”

“Last month, worried about my continuous degradation in the public life, Momma contacted a sorceress from Milan, a beautiful city in Italy. This particular sorceress was considered to be living from the times of Galileo and you know what she said? The opposition party used Black Magic to target me. And, it started even before I entered into politics.”

“Even as BJP formed their first ever government, they schemed to rule India forever. So, they have to stop me because I am the only one who can stop BJP. Worried at my intelligence, oratory and management skills, they feared that they may not rule forever as their ideologues planned. They wanted the country to be corruption free and develop like China. But, we are not inhuman like the Chinese, who execute their corrupt officials. How can we have development that comes at the cost of lives of corrupt officers and politicians? It cannot so happen. I will never allow it to happen.”

“It was then, someone from BJP started using Black Magic to target my mental prowess. Slowly my intelligence started reducing. I became more agitated. I started speaking without thinking of consequences, as I am talking now. Momma asked the sorceress to be our guest and do counter the Black Magic so I can become normal guy again.”

All the audience were listening attentively as if they were watching Ramsay film. They could visualise a girl going under shower only be bathed in red colour water.

Sensing their attention, Rahul declared “Alas, the sorceress could not come to India. She was denied visa by the BJP government. Now, tell me what harm a four hundred year old lady could do to our country. She was coming only to help me, to rehabilitate me. But, the BJP leadership is not taking any chances and are preventing her visit to India. So, I am visiting her to get rid of the ill effects of Black Magic. Whenever I feel not comfortable, I go to the place where she was visiting another client. So I travelled to Thailand, Mauritius and Hawaii. Even these visits were ridiculed by BJP as they called them pleasure visits. How can I, the eternal bachelor be engaged any pleasure seeking activities?”

“Finally I spoke my mind and took a heavy burden off. Now, as I spoke the truth, let BJP deny they have not engaged in witchcraft against me. They will never tell. They can’t see in my eye. They can’t smell my breath. They can’t stand my touch. They shiver when I hug them. And they fear even my winks”.

He suddenly shuddered and opened eyes. Sonia Gandhi was shaking him and said “Stop giving speeches in dreams. Get up and get ready. You need to visit two temples and one mosque today”.