Tuesday, 26th March, 2019

God celebrates, miracles all around, as Chuck Norris is voted Pope

12, Mar 2013 By Christiano Munniswamy

Rome: Since the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, the Roman Catholic Church was looking for someone with a magnetic personality, one who has the charisma of Pope John Paul II and grit of Rambo, thus Chuck Norris was declared to be the ideal candidate and was voted as the new pope.

His acceptance speech will be transmitted telepathically to all inhabitants of the Earth as well as Mitt Romney’s home planet of Kolob. As a tribute to his friend Rajinikant, Pope Chuck announced that he will solve Chennai’s power problems using a 6V Duracell battery.

The new Pope

In his first papal bull (decree), Pope Chuck abolished global warming and reduced average World  temperature by 4 degrees Celsius. He promised monthly miracles, first of which will be the eradication of malnutrition in Africa overnight, using a packet of M and M’s

Supreme leader of Iran, Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is said to have reacted in shock at the development and issued a fatwa against himself. Sources in Taliban reported mass conversions to Buddhism.

Tongue tied Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh burst into a soliloquy that was over two hours long, while Sonia Gandhi and little Rahul are to travel to their home country following rumors that the new Pope can convert Black money to White money with a touch of his hand.

Following sincere requests by Arnab Goswami, Pope Chuck reduced the rate of earth’s rotation using a roundhouse kick. The length of an hour increased and The NewsHour now ends within one hour.

Religious leaders claim that sprinkling a few drops of holy water on the keyboard can aid in booking Tatkal tickets on the IRCTC website.

Pope Chuck also announced an exclusive after party barbecue in Hell, followed by fireworks using China’s nuclear arsenal.